There’s something lurking in the deep dark forests of Townsend, unseen, unknowable and frequently undetected.
It is Wild People?
What? Ha! No.
Is it the world’s most famous and elusive cryptid, possibly second only to Nessie?
Again. No. Maybe it’s time to back away from YouTube a bit. You know, get out and see some of the real world.
What lurks in the mighty forests of the quiet part of the Smokies isn’t some elusive, mythical beast.
It’s wanton avarice. It’s greed.
It’s the innate desire to separate tourists – and possibly the Bigfoot curious – from their hard-earned money in increasingly creative and unique ways.
But, you know, it’s actually a pretty good trade.
Sounds like a good time.
The Smoky Mountain Bigfoot Festival is coming to Townsend this May
The Smoky Mountain Bigfoot Festival is coming to the Townsend Visitors Center this May, promising a wide variety of Bigfoot-themed events guaranteed to amaze, astonish and quite possibly astound.
Bigfoot is big business.
There are entire networks devoted to shows about yahoos wandering around the exotic woods of Central Ohio looking for proof of life.
Seriously, if you’ve got like a good dozen trees in your backyard, you could pitch a search for Bigfoot show with nothing more than a mangy raccoon and a willingness to pick up and identify scat by smell and possibly taste.
Thankfully, the good folks in Townsend won’t be having a scat identification competition. Or at least if they are, they’re not advertising it.
When is the Smoky Mountain Bigfoot Festival 2021?
The Smoky Mountain Bigfoot Festival will be on Saturday, May 22, 2021 from noon until 10 pm at the Heritage Center in Townsend.
They’re kicking off Bigfoot Big Day 2021 with a 9 am 5K and a 10 am Fun Run at the Townsend Visitors Center, because nothing says pungent, muscular bipedal ape-man like a Fun Run.
And if you are the sort of person who would like to run for the Squatch, you’ll get a swag-bag with a T-shirt, medal, neck gaiter and much more.
Probably not scat.
After all that running the rest of the festivities will kickoff at noon.
“Blount County is excited to bring the Bigfoot Festival to the Smokies this year,” said Blount Partnership Director of Tourism, Kim Mitchell, in a press release that underplayed the insanity of the festival by at least half.
“This outdoor festival will offer unique events for all ages.”
My 92-year-old grandmother is freaking psyched for the Bigfoot Fun Run.
What kind of Bigfoot-themed events will be at the Bigfoot Festival?
Well, my friend, have you always wanted to see a chainsaw carving of the mythic beast, maybe enjoy a tethered hot air balloon ride with the Squatch?
What? You haven’t really thought about either of those things?
Just imagine rising high above the visitors’ center, looking out over the majesty of the mountains in a wicker basket with a massive fire device next to a dude dressed like the Abominable Snowman on summer vacation.
My neurons are tingling with the prospect.
But, that’s not all.
Bigfoot ‘experts’ will be on hand
According to the press release, “well-versed” Bigfoot “experts” will be on hand to answer all attendee questions and talented storytellers will entertain the crowd with thrilling Bigfoot encounters.
Promoters also promise a surprise Bigfoot and Sassy Squatch event that will headline the festival which is billed as family friendly, so I don’t think it’s gonna be NSFW but, you know, keep your head on a swivel.
“Nothing compares to the mysterious world of Bigfoot,” says Brian Johnston, event coordinator. “This festival is a rare glimpse into the life of the reclusive creature.”
Bigfoot’s out here and alive. Riding hot air balloons, doing chainsaw sculptures and possibly getting romantic with Sassy.
At this point, I feel obligated to tell you to avoid attending this event after visiting one of Sevier County’s Cafe 420 shop. You’re gonna need all your faculties for this, man.
In non-Bigfoot news, Robby Bowman, a third-generation Sevier County blacksmith will heat, mold and bend metal into “impressive” knives.
Again, please do not attend this event in an altered state, freak out and stab a hot-air-balloon riding Sasquatch with an impressive knife.
There will also be square dancing – five bucks says Biggie and Sassy promenade before this whole thing is over – as well as live music, vendors and food trucks promising unique Bigfoot festival menus.
You know somebody’s gonna have a Sasquataco.
Finally, though things are on the upswing, organizers want everyone to know officials will be closely monitoring the current climate of things and will adjust plans accordingly.
It is difficult to properly distance from one another with a 7-foot, square-dancing, man-ape in a hot air balloon.
To learn more about this event, visit their Facebook page here.
Would you go to a Bigfoot festival? Let us know in the comments!