Cryptozoologist, Dr. Benny A. Fairyman, of the Chicago Park District’s Cryptid Awareness Committee, appeared this morning on Fox News claiming Cryptids are treated worse than any minority group in world history and no one even cares. “Oh, the HUMANITY!” Dr. Fairyman said to Fox News’s Megyn Kelly.
“When I think, Megyn, of all the poor Big Foot children who had to hide behind trees in parks this Christmas for fear of being seen and told they weren’t real by the human children out playing with the new skates and sleighs Santa just brought them, it makes me just want to pee myself with rage! And imagine what it’s like to be a mermaid at this time of year, will you? Sitting on rocks, out in the middle of the water, boobies all hanging out and frost-bitten, and your only solace is the dolphin that swims by every hour or two trying to mate with you. The thought of it just DRIVES ME INSANE!!! And it isn’t like you can just hop on board an inbound ship claiming your canoe got flipped over either. You’re a damn mermaid! Half your god damn body is a fish tail! You’ll stand out! Get mocked! Killed and eaten maybe, even! No, if you’re a mermaid in winter, your life is a freezing cold hell of frost-bitten tits, dolphin dick and envying the humans you see because they have bras and central heating to warm them all winter.
It’s another holocaust, Megyn! All that’s missing is the German language and the swastika arm bands. It’s time this horrific treatment of Cryptids ends. I’m advocating that Cryptids be granted total U.S. citizenship starting today, New Years Day, 2014. This means Cryptids can vote in all elections, run for political office, sign up for the military, and serve as jurors in our court system. The only way to bring light to how poorly these rarely seen, horribly photographed creatures are being treated, in my opinion, is this way. I’m off to Washington right now to strip naked and stand a top the Lincoln Memorial until President Obama gives in to my request to stop this sickening bigotry NOW! So wish me luck Megyn, thousands of Cryptids are depending on me.”