LAS VEGAS, NV – The 2009 Miss America competition was rocked by scandal after a cryptid was discovered in their midst!
After flagging viewer numbers, the Miss America competition was revamped in order to revive interest. The contestants participated in a TLC reality show prior to the contest, in which viewers were allowed to choose four women for the finals round. The ploy worked, as the competition saw a 52% increase in ratings.
But the show did not go off without a hitch. Miss Washington, Janet Harding, was quickly disqualified after it was discovered she was a shaved Sasquatch!
In an interview with Weekly World News, host Mario Lopez said, “We really should have seen it earlier. But as the evening progress, everything just started adding up.”
The first indication of Janet’s true nature came during the swimsuit competition. “Traditionally,” Lopez explained, “Miss America contestants wore one-piece suits. This year we really encouraged the women to wear two-pieces, as we wanted to show they were healthy as well as pretty. We noticed some hair on Miss Washington’s back, but didn’t want to disqualify her for some kind of hormonal imbalance. I guess she just missed a spot!”
But the judges quickly realized what they were dealing with after Harding viciously attacked Miss Georgia during the talent round. “Miss Georgia was doing a flaming baton act when Miss Washington caught a glimpse from back stage. She must have been frightened by the fire, because we heard a ferocious howl and saw her leap onto poor Chastity!”
Producers cut to a shot of Miss Florida adjusting the double-sided tape on her decolletage while three security guards pulled the beast away.
It is unclear how the Sasquatch made it so far into the competition, but she will be safely released back into the Pacific Northwest where she belongs.