Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs is searching for a weredog accused of assaulting Joliet Mayor Bob O’Dekirk.
Part of a statement from the Department read: “Most of our weredogs are good dogs, but if any weredog misbehaves, we will deal with them. We encourage Bolingbrook’s weredog packs to be good dogs and turn in this bad dog. Any weredog that helps will get a treat.”
O’Dekirk, who was recently filmed wrestling with a Black Lives Matter protester, refused to be interviewed. Sources close to O’Dekirk say he was unharmed but wants the weredog euthanized:
“That weredog didn’t know who he was dealing with. Bob is the toughest mayor in Illinois. Bob threw that weredog to the ground and pinned him in seconds. He only let him go so he could deal with a BLM rioter! I hope Bolingbrook catches that dog so Bob can teach him to heel!”
Joan, a Black Lives Matter protester, offered a different version of what happened:
“I was just holding up a sign and not bothering anyone when Bob walked up to me. He accused me of rioting and said he was going to ‘soften me up’ before letting ‘his’ officers deal with me. Of course, this was the day I left my cell phone at home. Anyway, the man walks up to Bob and tells him to leave me alone. Bob puffs up and says it’s none of his business. The man tells him that it is. This is the scary part. Bob was about to punch the man, but the man turned into a giant man-dog. It called Bob a bad human and threatened to rub his face on the pavement. Bob turned pale and ran away. I saw him pick up his phone and heard him say: ‘Roger! Save me!’ The monster said I was a good human then ran away. I wish we didn’t have a bully for a mayor.”
Will County Board Member Rachel Ventura says she has asked the Will County Department of Cryptid Affairs to file charges against O’Dekirk:
“Now Bob is threatening our endangered weredog population. His toxic masculinity is out of control. If our department won’t arrest him, then I will have no choice but to run against him in the next election!”
Cornal Darden, who claimed to be the CEO of the Southwest Suburban Black Cryptozoological Society, supported O’Dekirk because he was acting in self-defense. When presented with a statement that he had been terminated from SSBCS and from the South Suburban Region Black Chamber of Commerce, he said it didn’t matter:
“I am black and I support the mayor. That all that matters!”
A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was on his lunch break and did not wish to be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It’s not one gathering of a hundred people. It’s ten gatherings with ten people each that just happen to be behind Village Hall. As long as each gathering stays six feet apart, the magic force field will protect them!”
A woman who sounded like Dr. Ngozi Ezike, Director of the Illinois Department of Public Health, asked: “Everyone will bring their own food, right?”
“Of course not! Organizations will be selling food, and we’ll be handing out free hot dogs.”
“Wow. Is this really an event to die for?”
“Obviously you’ve never been to our Village Picnic!”
Also in the Babbler:
Claar denies firearms sales permit to Limbs ‘R Us
Illinois Republicans vow to increase the COVID-19 infection rate
Jeanne Ives denies recruiting seniors to be ‘Die for Ives’ canvassers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/18/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.